Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*