Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT