People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.