People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you鈥檙e welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you鈥檙e in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you鈥檙e snowed in.
Still a very good boi….
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[at the office]
Secretary: There鈥檚 a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 馃巸
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that鈥檚 shrek
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*