People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids


“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.


My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.


Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.


Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?


I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.


Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time 🙁


Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me


I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”