People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Finally
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.