people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
😩😩😩
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.