Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

You might just have to resign…

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.