People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
yeah 😭
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed