People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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my first dose meeting my second
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
i’m so sick of this guy
plums roundup
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
hmmmmmm
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*