People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
see you in hell you stupid fruit