People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m literally crying
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
I’d hang this in my house.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!