People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
the rocks need my help
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire