@ShortSleeveSuit: People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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@jwoodham: The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn't matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.
@bfrosty04: Sometimes when I'm sad, I'll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people's heads...
@JillianKarger: SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman ME: there is no bogeyman honey SON: he’s not real? ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago SON: ME: there was so much blood SON: ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
@ArfMeasures: Son: Daddy, when does this end? Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death Son: I mean when does this party end? Me: 7.30