People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

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You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.


I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…


If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing


Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection


remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons


If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.


You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.


Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.


ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..