@ShortSleeveSuit: People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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@schumoo: My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
@TheAlexNevil: Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
@mstluvstrinkets: People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
@sammyrhodes: My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.