@ShortSleeveSuit

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

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@BritXNic

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.

@rage_chaos

I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…

@bridger_w

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@Mattmateee

remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons

@Dawn_M_

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

@Marlebean

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

@marcia_bee

Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..