People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
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Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child