People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians