People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My love language is deader than Latin
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me, in DM rooms…
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby