People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
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If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children