Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Spring of Deception

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark