People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
