Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*