Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months