[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…
I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.
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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
6. Gas card
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.