@BackrowSeats: People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
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@cdncyn: I changed my name in my daughters phone to God.... I texted her and said "I saw that" You should of seen her face Priceless
@kellyoxford: Dropping 11yo off at school. 11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic. Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop. 11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
@realHamOnWry: Cat: What are you doing? Me: Reloading my bong Cat: You really need it? Me: I know my limits, why? Cat: You know cats can't talk, right?