Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
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My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.