People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
You Might Also Like
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Hitlers gonna hitl
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Dietest Coke
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza
[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Well, that didn’t work.
