People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.