People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
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Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Personal question. #JustSaying
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*