People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*