People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Ken is short for chicken
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.