people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Just parrot things
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house