People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.