People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
