Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Do one person every day that scares you.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.