People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?