People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
You Might Also Like
fly smarter, not harder
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
How your email finds me
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.