People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
6: are snakes just neck?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one