People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here