Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Meow

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.