Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater