People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I hope Alan is OK
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
