People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
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My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
honey, bring out the fine china.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”