Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

fr

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..