People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
i meant to share this earlier
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete