Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION