People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Guy who likes music
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.