People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.