people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
accurate
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…