people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
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#CatsOnTwitter
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.