People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Cat.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long