People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
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Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.