People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any