Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

The Eggorcist

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

ew if literal: let me be clear

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye