People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.