Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

I don’t get marriage

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

When the stylist spins you back around

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

Oh my God.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate