People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
be safe out there!
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
me working on my assignments ^-^
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
japanese corn
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.