Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

Basically.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?