Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN