People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
But is it really??
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
we all know this pain all too well
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?