Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.