Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Woke up with morning Yule Log

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

So, can we agree on 4 or

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*