Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

first you must answer his riddles

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him