People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck