People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
for all #parents out there
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats