People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce