People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I really had high hopes for this year though
