People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
