People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”