People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.