Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Come back with a warrant

😭😭

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

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For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip