People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!