People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”