People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
im 7 sauces long
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*files a restraining order against reality*
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
fly smarter, not harder
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”