*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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i get ignored so much
my name should be terms and conditions
I feel this tweet
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument
…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.
And then whiskey said “tweet that, it’s hilarious”. But whiskey was wrong. So very wrong.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids