People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.