@Pork_Chop_Hair

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

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@WritePlay

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

@Severnjaca

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

@WildeThingy

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

@SashaSavoy

And then whiskey said “tweet that, it’s hilarious”. But whiskey was wrong. So very wrong.

@WheelTod

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids