The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Made something I’m not proud of
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?