People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
You Might Also Like
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
this is me
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
They grow up so quick
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.