People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
New tinder profile pic
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Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
the clam before the storm
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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