Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on